Everyone likes a good list. Listicles come up on our social media feeds in record numbers. Typical entries include:
- 11 Things You Can do to Prevent Your Inevitable Divorce
- The 9 Habits of People Who Commit Suicide
- 32 Ways to Prepare Halibut
- Top 111 Reasons to Avoid Snake Bite
A New Yorker article from 2013 tried to explain why lists get people’s attention. The author, Maria Konnikova, basically said that we like lists because they predigest things into comforting categories and reassure us that it’s not going to be long or difficult to follow. Fair enough. But it hardly explains why we click on lists even if they clearly contain data that no person could possibly be interested in.
Today, however, a Facebook friend posted a list of 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Vaginas. Obviously I could see why everyone would be interested. Vaginas are everywhere, and you don’t want one sneaking up on you and blasting your face off with its laser rays that you didn’t know it had.
The list included things like “the inner walls [of the vagina] are pleated and can open like an umbrella.” That’s nothing; I once saw a porn clip where a vagina was used like a fly swatter! Let’s think what other hand held implements we can compare a vagina to…a briefcase? A flashlight? Pepper spray?
With this insanity in mind, I present a different list, a list of things people who actually like vaginas might want to know about them.
1. Rubbing the clit is a good way to make women cum, but every woman likes different pressure, different levels of moisture and different speeds, and all three variables can change depending on the circumstance.
2. Ideally, women get “wet” when they are aroused; their vaginas secrete a warm, unscented moisture that makes penetration more comfortable. But the amount of time to arousal is different from woman to woman. Furthermore, a lot of women don’t get wet at all for many reasons including: they aren’t really that turned on yet, as they have matured they just don’t get as wet, or they were simply born low moisture. If you head south of the border and things are pretty dry, it helps to ask whether the problem is that they aren’t turned on yet (then ask how you can do a better job getting them in the mood) or if they would like you to use some lube. Vaginas, and the women who are attached to them, love good communication.
3. Of course there are some kinky ladies out there who love their trips to the gyno, but most women really do not enjoy the experience of being probed around in there with cold metal stuff, and the first time is really awful. So if your female partner has to face the gynies for the first time, they (and their vagina) would probably appreciate some support. That may mean just coming along for company, giving the vagina a more pleasant experience later in the day (wink wink), or just asking how it went and being sympathetic.
4. If you are doing laundry and you see your girlfriend’s panties have signs of dried moisture in the crotch, that is normal. Many vaginas excrete a light amount of fluid in the course of a regular day. We’re not talking like the amount from being sexually aroused, less than that, but a little.
5. Women are used to making beauty sacrifices, but the pain of waxing is indescribable. Most women who do it –whether to turn on a partner, or just because they prefer not to have pubic hair– deal with the pain and don’t complain about it. But still, it is painful. The alternative, shaving, is equally unappealing, because if you don’t keep doing it, when the stubble comes back in, and anything rubs, it creates rashes.
6. Vaginas don’t really look like Georgia O’keeffe’s paintings of flowers, but they are highly individual, and a lot of people find them beautiful. But a lot of other people have been conditioned to think they are mysterious, ugly, places of sin. No vagina appreciates that crap.
7. Vaginas can get uncomfortable tucked in all day, just like men’s balls, but women are taught that it is gross to adjust themselves. So we never do it in public.
8. Vaginas really aren’t like umbrellas, or spatulas, or fly swatters, or fish, or hand towels. Many vaginas are confused by people’s tendency to compare them to random things.